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Illustrations by Ron Ruelle, ronruelle.com

Or Just ‘Rest-of-the-Country Athletic’?

By Mary Lynn Bruny

Sure, in most places in the U.S. you are probably thought of as athletic. Like my Midwestern relatives, your relations probably consider you the big athlete of the family. You work out regularly and are pretty darn fit.

Well, sorry, but here in Boulder that means nothing. That means you have a pulse. Being considered athletic in Boulder means taking things to a much higher level. But it’s not just fitness or ability we’re talking about, it’s attitude, priorities and lifestyle.

Where do you fall on the athletic spectrum? Take this quiz to find out.

ron-biker
Illustrations by Ron Ruelle, ronruelle.com

✸ Is your garage stuffed with sports gear while your car sits outside?

✸ Do you value your muscle mass and BMI more than your bank balance?

✸ Does your car have a ski rack, a bike rack and a trunk full of miscellaneous smelly sportswear?

✸ Do you believe that your workout should come before cutting the grass, spending time with your family or doing your job?

✸ Do you not care how ridiculously bright your footwear looks as long as it’s cutting edge?

✸ Do you believe it’s more impressive to complete an Ironman than to be nominated for a Pulitzer Prize?

✸ Do you think it’s perfectly reasonable to go for a two-hour workout and leave your sick wife who’s throwing up with your three children who are all under 5 years of age?

✸ Does your idea of the perfect movie date include sneaking a backpack into the theater stocked with kombucha and homemade popcorn?

✸ Have you researched stem-cell therapy for future use to minimize down time?

✸ Did you choose to vacation at Machu Picchu because you think it’s the ultimate StairMaster?

✸ Do you think it’s a good idea to homeschool your child so your family can ski more?

✸ In the land of legal weed, is adrenaline still your drug of choice?

✸ Do you pay more for physical therapy bills than you do for the rest of your health care?

✸ Does your Vitamix blender get used more than your oven?

✸ Do you think that anybody who can’t cycle to Lyons is a wuss?

✸ Can you jog uphill while pushing two kids and three bags of groceries in an athletic stroller while talking on your phone?

✸ For your worn-out joints, have you gotten more steroid shots than a racehorse?

✸ Do you trail run barefoot while not on drugs?

✸ Do you consider food fuel and strive to optimize your nutritional intake while boring those around you with the details of this endeavor?

✸ Could you simply not date someone who doesn’t have good calf or forearm muscles?

✸ Did you have to break up with someone because “they couldn’t keep up”?

✸ Do you kind of hate going on vacation because it messes with your CrossFit schedule?

✸ Can you pound three Rio margs on Friday night, then run up Flagstaff at 6 the next morning and not vomit?

✸ Could you live without your boyfriend of five years but not your $4,000 Pilates Reformer?

✸ Do you have three times as much athletic wear as you do regular clothes?

✸ Can you easily spend $170 for a pair of running shoes every six months but find it really annoying to have to spend $50 for dress shoes for a wedding?

✸ Do you wear your Fitbit during sex to record the active minutes?

Illustrations by Ron Ruelle, ronruelle.com
Illustrations by Ron Ruelle, ronruelle.com

✸ Did paying $2,000 for your used Subaru and $15,000 for your new road bike make sense to you?

✸ Do you have more containers of powdered substances in your fridge than actual food?

✸ Is your child a nationally ranked athlete and this doesn’t seem like that big of a deal?

✸ Are you part of the 1 percent of people on the planet who look great in Lululemon yoga pants?

✸ Do you find it trying to go on outings with relatives because they all walk so frickin’ slow?

✸ Do you choose hotels based on their gym equipment?

✸ Do you think it’s perfectly normal to have five bikes but not a bed frame?

✸ Do you think it is OK to wear nice workout clothes to a wedding or a funeral?

✸ Have you gone to Bali to take your yoga to the next level but didn’t have time to tour a temple?


Mary Lynn Bruny is a local freelance writer who loves living in Boulder. She’s considered pretty athletic by Cleveland, Ohio, standards.

Scorecard

How many “yes” answers did you have?

0 to 4 – You might want to consider moving to Kansas.

5 to 9 – Maybe you’re Boulder athletic, but more likely you’re just a regular American athlete, a Boulder-athlete poseur or a wannabe. Sorry. Now go hit the weights, mountains, slopes or pavement.

10 or more – Yep, you’re Boulder athletic. Be proud! Your special Fitbit badge will
be forthcoming.